Best friends

Ever since I went into secondary school I have always felt so alone.I regretted those days when I say I hate my primary school,truth is I actually don't.I have friends back then,I had fun,I felt like my life was just perfect....but now in secondary school i hate it here.i miss my clique,i miss my insane besties.

So today I met up with them...I was late but they didn't mind.The best part?They knew they won't be able to celebrate my birthday on the actual day so they did a surprise party.I have no idea what I ever did.I don't deserve such good besties,I'm a monster....Yet they have always stayed by me.They know I self harm,they know about all my heartbreaks,my secrets.I actually hate how we only meet up once in awhile....sometimes I just need them so much but they are so far away.I seriously just love them so damn much....I don't deserve them at all.Somehow they just accept me,they care,why are they so nice I just don't get it....but I guess that's the power of our clique ----The Crazily Awesome<3

Rant....

It's Friday again...I'm sitting in my room crying my eyes out while blogging...what the hell have I become...

I hate school so fucking much...I feel like I'm annoying all my friends....I know all my classmates are just tolerating me....I just can't take all this shit...

My dad saw my scars....he assumes he knows everything bc he believed the lie I told my school teachers....he doesn't know shit...he thinks bring me to a BVB concert will just make everything all right.....

I have so much self hate bottled up..I can't believe I managed not to kill myself from cutting so deep...then again I promised my friend I won't attempt again....yet it's so tempting.

I don't even know what the hell I'm doing my life....blogging about how shitty I feel?That's so fucking low of me.....Urgh....I'm retarded and insane...

Sorry

I'm sorry for being a fucked up.I'm sorry I'm annoying as crap.Maybe because I wasn't even suppose to exist in the first place.Maybe because I don't have someone to guide me on how to act 'normal'.I'm fucking sorry I can't be in a crowd without panicing.I'm utterly sorry that I can't tell funny jokes or interesting things.And I'm so damn sorry that I like staying in bed and cry my eyes out for days.I'm just fucked up.

Even my own mom says I'm bipolar.Thanks Mom,I know how much you 'love' me.

I'm sorry for all those people who actually has to put up with my shit,read all this rubbish I post.I just can't think straight,someone made me promise to stay clean for a month....guess what and one month actually means I won't even be able to cut on my birthday!I'm not able to function,study,complete my homework or even think properly now.I need the blade across my skin so damn badly,I need to relieve that fucking pain.Maybe I'm just insane....but being suicidal ain't even close to sane.I'm just so done with people,or just myself....I want to end it all...yet a too big a coward to end this all.If only I would get hit by a truck,get thrown across the road and just die..

(And I'm sorry for all this triggering and graphic content...I'm insane...remember?)

Just a little too fucked up

I'm like almost gone...just a little too fucked up to be honest...I have no idea how I became this bad.Maybe nobody cares enough to stop me or I just pushed them away....

Half of me just wants someone to save me..make me normal but the other half is just deep dark and evil.I just wanna sink the razor deeper...to just pass out and probably feel how it feels like to be close to dying...

I hate how I actually lie to my best friends I'm fine.I hate how I told them I'm over that one boy,that I'm no longer hurt and I no longer selfharm...to be honest?I lied.I lie too damn fucking well,that you had no idea how broken I'm on the inside.I can't live a day without selfharming....I know I'm mental to everyone.

There are seriously days like today...I just want to skip school.Stay in bed,curl up and just cry.I'm just too damn broken to function..I've no motivation.I don't even eat...for days....just proves how much more fucked up I actually am.I want to be skinny,those collarbones,hipbones and thigh gap.But even if I were to be skinnier I would never be skinny enough...

I'm just done with life,myself and the whole entire world....Sorry to those who have to suffer reading this...I just gotta get it out...I'm just this annoying piece of ugly crap.I wasn't even suppose to exist...

crazy....

Idk...i just felt like I needed to blog...
Idk I'm insane...sorry...
I keep thinking everyone hates me.Just a tiny little bit of eye contact....I go on anxiety mode...like school helps with that....I hate it when I have to present something....all those damn attention I get...totally hate it.

It sucks so damn fucking much....I'm like fucking responsible for some fuckig community work shit...urgh I can't even be responsible for myself like what the actual motherfuck?!
Just eww....

My class even wanted to make ourselves know as some random junk food...the sound of food is just disgusting....

The joy of social anxiety,being(probably)anorexic and paranoid......[please note the sacasm]

Can't believe I'm actually still alive after 4 attemps....just ewww fuck it...