hi again...i rose from the dead

Hi.Holy fucking shit its been almost 2 months I guess no one missed me yet but yeah hey.Idk what to say hahahah i'm one hell of an awkward fuck😂

Have you ever felt like something isn't you 'thing'?Yeah..i'm stuck right at this point you see with nowadays fucked up society you need to be "smart" and have your degrees to get a job.But.. what if studying isn't my thing?If you have read my previous posts you can obviously tell I'm sort of a punk kid.No I ain't saying punk kids cant study.I'm just saying it literally ain't my thing,every since I was 6 I watched stars perform their hearts out on stage I knew that's what I want.I don't want fame.I want to be able to play my music do the craziest shit like stage diving.It's just me while here I am stuck.Forced to study.

I can open my textbooks and fall asleep almost immediately.I want to perform I don't want to study I ain't interested yet I'm somehow in the "best class" but what's the use?I want to be able to hear my own music on radio and head bang to them just like how I head bang and mosh to Black Veil Brides.Yes I need to be sure I won't fail then I can stop studying and do my music but to want your dreams its a 50-50 chance.I wanna risk it all,I want to have a band.I don't want a band for fame.I may seem bad ass or rebellious but fuck no.I don't wanna get all cocky but in all honesty I hate myself to the core to the bones.I just think that I have been through quite a lot of shit considering my family is fucked up from the very beginning.I have my boyfriend who helped me through things so if he could save me why can't I form a band and save all those suicidal angels out there.I aspire to play music,to save lives.You don't need degrees,you don't have to be in the medical fields to save lives.If I can save these lives before they end up in the clinics and hospitals for the doctors and nurses to try and save them.Why not?Why not risk the failure,risk my future?

Music save lives.Art is another release.I learnt it the hard way.Pens not knives,speak not die.I'm willing to risk everyone in this family I have to disown me because I'm suppose to be a good kid and replace my dead older brother.If it means saving lives and doing what I love,fuck I won't even mind having to live by the streets if I do fail.

The last time said no one could stop me from getting piercing well...ta da... honestly I get glares from my relatives from people in general but I no longer give a fuck.I plan to stretch my first ear hole and get tattoos at the end of this year plus a tongue piercing for my next birthday so honestly I'm too busy to give 2 fucks about your opinion:)

Anyways so yeah there are some drama in class.Like pfft I date WHO THE HELL I WANT.You get yo ass out of my fucking life.I may be quiet now but if I have to I wont hesitate to punch you motherfucking bitches.If you have problems with me being bisexual look here...FUCK YOU AND YOUR 18 GENERATIONS OF ANCESTORS bc you can go kiss my ass.I befriend your pathetic slutty ass and so I'm not enough teaming up to exclude some elses best friend and now taking her back to get as many people against me?Bitch that's low like a hoe you are.

So yeah that's pretty much it😝

YTFF

Well YTFF(YouTube Fan Fest in case you didnt know😊)was a few days ago for Singapore at least.I'm glad I met many Youtubers be it my first time meeting them or third or even a glimpse.Bc tbh Youtube,Bands,JB and Youtube is lifexP I hope to see them again ^^8

Self destruction

It's addictive.It paints beautiful pictures on your skin,leaving marks.

It scares people.It terrifies little kids.But that's how a monster is like.Till the day self destruction have the best the monster.

Then,the monster is perfectly human.Skinny,beautiful,scarred,cold,hard and dead...

Piercings<3

I admit I'm OBSESSED with piercing.So what?
So I went to get a navel piercing on Wednesday(23rd of April) after a self study session at Starbucks.

After doing several research on price,standards,etc. I decided to go to Rise Above Tattoo and Piercings.I was a little nervous while waiting for the piercer to arrive especially when I could hear someone getting their tattoo done.But I thought its 'now or never'(nope not an attempt to be all HSM3),when the piercer arrived I just followed him into a room. Before he started I was asked to lay on a chair,I kinda was regretting my decision about the piercing.I knew when I lift my shirt I'd be revealing my scars,my past and all the secrets I have hid for the past 3years.

Disregarding my worries and went ahead with the piercing.He first sterilized the needle and briefed me on the process and how to clean the piercing.Then he marked where the hole would be clamp and ask me to lay back down.

The piercing was really fast.It was about 2minutes and the pain subsided really quickly.

I'm really satisfied with the piercing and the piercer was extremely friendly:)

Although,my parents found out like 3days after the piercing(they weren't suppose too><).They banned me from getting another piercing till I'm 18 because it's "unacceptable to be overly pierced in the family".Pff they and their asian traditions...

They can't stop a wild heart.Let alone to stop an insanely wild girl.

Till the next time when I have something to blog about or another piercingxD

Peaceeee^^

Past

I still remember...I once had a friendship that was something I have always dreamed of as a kid...I lost it.

You had my back and defend me like a true friend would...I have no idea what happened...but I'm not human.I'm demon.Everyone leaves I'm not suprise...but I just yearn for that friendship.For the laughter we had.The fun,the secrets,the past we once had

I'm sorry....

There's no home in this hollow soul.

Who in the fucking sick mind would create school?It just fucking give people anxiety...

Who in hell would ever create a law that a person has to stay in hell until they're 18 before they can leave?Because fuck all of this!I'm sick of trying to please everyone.I'm tired for being the outcast even at "home".Shit I hate being the "weird kid".Fuck it.I'm me....and in my heart this place is just another sleeping place,just another storage...this isn't a home.Maybe when I was a kid,yeah that's a home...now how about screw this society.I'm that punk ass,that fucking emo bitch.You can't agree with my music?My dressing?My love for crazy piercing and tattoos?I'm just gonna tell you I don't need your opinion,I don't need your money.For all I know you get those dirty dollars from sleeping with men.All I need is a one way ticket.To the U.S.To where my boyfriend is and trust me I will never ever return.There is where I will have acceptance.Not here...

Living death

they knock you down.you get up.but what if they pinned you down and asked you why you cant get up?

what if they choke you till you are suffocating yet they wont let you die.

the torture...they push you around...mentally.they drive you insane.they are at fault.yet you get the punishment

you want death.you want relief but its never up to your wishes....because you were never meant to be alive

Fire

A lighter in hand,
A bobby pin in another.
Light it up,watch it burn.
Shutting those darken hazel eyes,
Placing the the pin on my arm.
The pain was enough to make me feel relief.
This just fucked up.....

Strike the lighter,
Smiling sinsterly.
I lit myself on fire,
Burning down all my memories in this house.
Burning away all the pain and hate,
Afterall,it's all reduce to ashes

Fucked up family logic

I don't understand how can a woman put up with a cheating man...It's just a total fucked up logic.I mean who the hell would even date and marry a man whom wins you at arm wrestling....it's just crazy.I'm not even suprise me dad cheated on my mom,considering she's a bitch.

Since young I was never close to my parents....bc well they didn't give me the feeling of home.Well I'm a replacement for my dead elder brother/sister I guess it explains why.

If a kid at 5months old can choose to be closer to their grandparent than parents would already mean something isn't right....My granddad used to have a plantation which is nearly as big as 3bungalows and a huge fish farm so he was never home.My grandma quit her job as a school teacher and did home tuitoring instead so she could take care of my mom and aunt(at least they had a parent at home who cared).When I was a kid I was really really close to my grandparents,likewise my granddad treated me like I was his daughter instead.Like a princess.And bc I resembence my aunt,they took me as their own daughter.My mom has always been jealous of my aunt,bc my aunt is talented,hardworking,smart,(kinda)famous and has a perfect family all the more it causes my mom to hate me(even though she pretends like she doesn't).

but now...my grandparents said i have changed...I'm no longer the girl they knew.Just because I like bands....I just don't get this shit...I'm just done with everyone and everything....I won't even mind dying in my sleep without saying a single goodbye to anyone.Byes are never good.So there's nothing called Goodbye bc all it brings is pain

Best friends

Ever since I went into secondary school I have always felt so alone.I regretted those days when I say I hate my primary school,truth is I actually don't.I have friends back then,I had fun,I felt like my life was just perfect....but now in secondary school i hate it here.i miss my clique,i miss my insane besties.

So today I met up with them...I was late but they didn't mind.The best part?They knew they won't be able to celebrate my birthday on the actual day so they did a surprise party.I have no idea what I ever did.I don't deserve such good besties,I'm a monster....Yet they have always stayed by me.They know I self harm,they know about all my heartbreaks,my secrets.I actually hate how we only meet up once in awhile....sometimes I just need them so much but they are so far away.I seriously just love them so damn much....I don't deserve them at all.Somehow they just accept me,they care,why are they so nice I just don't get it....but I guess that's the power of our clique ----The Crazily Awesome<3

Rant....

It's Friday again...I'm sitting in my room crying my eyes out while blogging...what the hell have I become...

I hate school so fucking much...I feel like I'm annoying all my friends....I know all my classmates are just tolerating me....I just can't take all this shit...

My dad saw my scars....he assumes he knows everything bc he believed the lie I told my school teachers....he doesn't know shit...he thinks bring me to a BVB concert will just make everything all right.....

I have so much self hate bottled up..I can't believe I managed not to kill myself from cutting so deep...then again I promised my friend I won't attempt again....yet it's so tempting.

I don't even know what the hell I'm doing my life....blogging about how shitty I feel?That's so fucking low of me.....Urgh....I'm retarded and insane...

Sorry

I'm sorry for being a fucked up.I'm sorry I'm annoying as crap.Maybe because I wasn't even suppose to exist in the first place.Maybe because I don't have someone to guide me on how to act 'normal'.I'm fucking sorry I can't be in a crowd without panicing.I'm utterly sorry that I can't tell funny jokes or interesting things.And I'm so damn sorry that I like staying in bed and cry my eyes out for days.I'm just fucked up.

Even my own mom says I'm bipolar.Thanks Mom,I know how much you 'love' me.

I'm sorry for all those people who actually has to put up with my shit,read all this rubbish I post.I just can't think straight,someone made me promise to stay clean for a month....guess what and one month actually means I won't even be able to cut on my birthday!I'm not able to function,study,complete my homework or even think properly now.I need the blade across my skin so damn badly,I need to relieve that fucking pain.Maybe I'm just insane....but being suicidal ain't even close to sane.I'm just so done with people,or just myself....I want to end it all...yet a too big a coward to end this all.If only I would get hit by a truck,get thrown across the road and just die..

(And I'm sorry for all this triggering and graphic content...I'm insane...remember?)

Just a little too fucked up

I'm like almost gone...just a little too fucked up to be honest...I have no idea how I became this bad.Maybe nobody cares enough to stop me or I just pushed them away....

Half of me just wants someone to save me..make me normal but the other half is just deep dark and evil.I just wanna sink the razor deeper...to just pass out and probably feel how it feels like to be close to dying...

I hate how I actually lie to my best friends I'm fine.I hate how I told them I'm over that one boy,that I'm no longer hurt and I no longer selfharm...to be honest?I lied.I lie too damn fucking well,that you had no idea how broken I'm on the inside.I can't live a day without selfharming....I know I'm mental to everyone.

There are seriously days like today...I just want to skip school.Stay in bed,curl up and just cry.I'm just too damn broken to function..I've no motivation.I don't even eat...for days....just proves how much more fucked up I actually am.I want to be skinny,those collarbones,hipbones and thigh gap.But even if I were to be skinnier I would never be skinny enough...

I'm just done with life,myself and the whole entire world....Sorry to those who have to suffer reading this...I just gotta get it out...I'm just this annoying piece of ugly crap.I wasn't even suppose to exist...

crazy....

Idk...i just felt like I needed to blog...
Idk I'm insane...sorry...
I keep thinking everyone hates me.Just a tiny little bit of eye contact....I go on anxiety mode...like school helps with that....I hate it when I have to present something....all those damn attention I get...totally hate it.

It sucks so damn fucking much....I'm like fucking responsible for some fuckig community work shit...urgh I can't even be responsible for myself like what the actual motherfuck?!
Just eww....

My class even wanted to make ourselves know as some random junk food...the sound of food is just disgusting....

The joy of social anxiety,being(probably)anorexic and paranoid......[please note the sacasm]

Can't believe I'm actually still alive after 4 attemps....just ewww fuck it...

Judgmental

Will you judge someone because they are gay,lesbian,bisexual,etc.?Will you judge someone because they like rock music?Will you judge someone by their scars?

Are you gonna judge me cause I cut?Are you gonna judge me cause I burn myself?

Everyone has their story.Their pain.Can't you slow the fuck down,try to understand this shitty life we have.Care.You were born with a heart,what the hell did you use it for?Just give a little attention to us and listen.

Yeah,I have depression,I'm bipolar.Probably even anorexic so are you gonna fucking judge me?Are you gonna fucking judge my friend?We are not perfect,you don't have to bring us down.Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder,so what if he is gay or she's a lesbian.Love is love,who the fuck are you to laugh at them?I'm sick and tired of judgemental people...just do something good for once.Karma is a bitch...

And no.Ashley Purdy ever said "Sucidal isn't cowardly.I'll tell you what is cowardly;treating people so badly that they want to end their lives."

So stop judging,we didn't choose to walk down this path.Just love us for who we are,don't let ego get in the way.We need some love.People don't give it to us,so we find our love from items...Ropes,lighters,razors,etc.

Stop bullying,stop being judgmental,stop hurting us.Give us some love♡

Fears

Yeah judge,keep on judging.So what,I admit it,I have fears.Loads of fears.I fear darkness,which due to my fucked up luck I ended up being trapped in the darkness for an hour because if blackout.

I texted so many people hoping they will reply,so that I can distract myself and probably calm down a little.Yes,me being a loser.I had a panic attack in the dark.I called my dad so many times to try to get him to come home and try to get the power back on,he didn't pick up a single of my calls.

I thought people cared.Guess not.My mom even repeimanded me for waking her up in the middle of the night to tell her that the power is out and I am afraid of the dark.And because it was dark I felt like the whole house is shrinking in size causing me to feel even more panicy.I couldn't breathe properly.

My mom doesn't even know I have such fears.She doesn't even know what I have been through.She doesn't know how many things she does and says had caused me to develop such fears either directly or indirectly.What rights does she have to reprimand me?!She doesn't even have the rights to be my mom.

Now I know how many people cares.Nobody.And people who reads this by accident or on purpose are just going to say I'm an unfillial attentiom seeker.Whatever.You have not been in my place yet.

After so long,I have always wanted to commit sucide but I'm just a loser who has no courage to jump off a building or hang myself or overdose.For too long,I wanted myself dead.So if tomorrow when I go out for tuition,a car comes zooming my way.I will not jump out of the way,I will make it look like an accident.So I don't need to pluck up any courage to suck in my last breath and kill myself.

I am on the edge of giving up.

Today,I was so damn excited.Because so many people said Justin Bieber is coming to Singapore.So after school,I was the first person out of class.I wanted to be there at the airport as early as possible.Which my dad was stuck in a jam,I had a massive panic attack,I didn't want to this chance.People call me stupid each time,I scream or cry or just by going crazy over Justin.You know how many times,I tried to ignore all of the hate I get for loving Justin?

Sometimes,I want his merch I try to save my own money to buy them.I don't want to like ask for money like I feel guilty doing that most of the time.I sometimes starve myself for days just to buy merch and suffer later on.People just seem to not understand my love for him.I DON'T GET IT AT ALL,I feel like I'm just one against one big world who mostly hates me,I just deserve to die don't I?My self-esteem just drops and drops even lower day after day.but guess what I act tough.I act gangster and more people hates me.I FUCKING HATE LIFE.Sometimes,I stare at my poster and say "I guess you are the last and only person who loves me.Keep being Justin,keep making music.I love you and I live for you,just you"

it started when I saw him on youtube as kidrauhl.I fell in love with him,for him being him.I go to school,I tell them about him and the respond I got? "You stupid?Why do you just fall in loce with a boy online?"Back then,maybe if you call me stupid,I am fine.I didn't care.As I get older,I was in P4.I regret what I did that year.I blame myself till today.I wanted to be popular so badly,I hide my feelings,I swallowed my pride.I pretend I never ever liked Justin.I HATED MYSELF SO MUCH!What made it worst was,because me and my "best friend"likes the same guy.My mom went to threaten her to never ever talk to me again.The next morning,I wanted to talk to someone but guess what??Everyone avoided me.

In P5,I told myself.So what if I get hated?!I don't care?!I love Justin,it's a fact!I'm not hiding.Since no one talks to me,why try so hard?I have one big problem.My parents....they are so fucking full of themselves.They always believed in "Love no one but yourself"Well,obviously I got bullied for loving Justin."People call me fat,ugly,useless,faggot,trash,gay lover"and anything mean.I also like a guy in my class(which to present I haven't gotten over).He avoided me.I hated myself so much,one day after tuition.I bought a penknife,went to McDonalds' toilet and cut the crap out of myself.I hide.As much as possible but now its just not anywhere near possible to hide,imagine my whole left arm,stomach and thighs are just full of long,deep scars across.I cut whenever I'm sad,deoressed,lonely,ignored,misunderstood,angry,disappointed or just hate myself so much.i cry to sleep,i purposely hurt myself just to feel the pain.i punch the walls and get bruises all over my knuckles which sometimes it hurts so bad i cant even use my hand to write or text.

Yesterday,someone said Fredo and Justin was at the airport.I wanted to go,but my mom chained up the doors.We got into a huge arguement.For the second time ever,she called Justin a b*****d.I hated her so fucking much,I trashed her work,refuse to talk to her and hours later I just took a few things and left home until my bro and grandma begged for me to go back.Justin is more than an idol to me.He is my lifesaver.More like my life support.She doesn't understand my love for him.

Now,I have problem with hell lot of people.But today was just terrible.After like what 6years,I thought I could finally see Justin like in person.I waited for hours,he never appeared.He told us to Never Say Never.He wanted us to Believe.I did,but I just get dosappointed each time.I want to give up,but I'm not willing to.I might not have a chance to see him this time and I just want to die right now.

2hours ago,I was just sitting in my room stoning with a penknife and a bottle of pills.I lifted the knife,I wanted to cut but I suddenly remember Emily.Emily hates it when I cut,she ever made me promise I won't cut for a week.I tried so hard and I succeeded.I put the knife down and picked up the bottle of pill but I stopped there.I was thinking if I end right here,right now.I have 100% of not being able to meet Justin ever again.

right now,I am just blogging hoping I will just not think of all the dying and cutting at least for a while.

Stop judging me

I hate how people look at me and say "You are stupid.Only stupid people cut."

Let me get this straight,you think I wanna have all those scars for you to despise?You think I wanna hear all those words from you?You have no idea how much that few words that fly out of you can cause.Because you haven't gone through what I have.Have your mom ever confront your best friend and tell them to never go near you ever again or else she will do something to them?Have you ever tried waking up in the morning,going to school having so much to tell your best friend and all they tell you is "Get lost.I don't wanna talk to you ever again." and the next thing you know is that the whole class doesn't talk to you.Have you ever tried having classmates calling you names,saying you are ugly,fat,useless,stupid,retarded,disfigured?You haven't tried all this torture....

You dont know me,so stop judging me ok?!You don't know the hate I have for myself,you don't know how it feels to have loved someone for 2 years and all you get was a relationship of 9days.You don't know how it feels when everyone have high expectations of you but you can't reach it.You don't how it feels when everyone wants you to go to all those "good" schools till you have no FLYING FUCK idea what you want.

Think before you judge us,we have our story,we have our pains.SHUT UP and back off.

WTF?!

Wtf ok wtf?!so i decided to join the Teenage contest and try my luck wheather i can win the tickets to F1.Cause im desperate for the tickets.yeah me belieber,missed 2 concerts already want to die,miss one more i can go bang wall liao.

So this like what happened.............
my friend(lets call her A)i asked her wheather she wants to go for the F1 like if i win the BIGBANG tickets and i give it to her,and she told me "go give ~~~~~(she would be B)i also dont like Bigbang"so im like ok.....then B heard what we said then she go tell me "u win BIGBANG u gimme,i win Justin Bieber i give u ok??" so i promised B i would give her.so once u promise something u cant like dont do right?then suddenly A go tell me she wants the F1 tickets if i win,so i was like dafuq?! A minute ago u said u dont want then now you want it?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! And when i told her i cant oz i promised B alr,then she angry with me and B!! So like WTFS?!and she was like "fuck you larh,go to fucking hell lah you give her?"

The worst thing was like she still go and say "you know what?! I hope u dont win the BIGBANG tickets.wait in fact i hope you dont win both ok?!"like WHUT?! First u angry with me for not giving you,i ask u first u dont want then i say i give other people lah.Second u want to curse me not to win it at all?!can be more reasonable anot?!i ask u first kay?!you reject den no chance already,sill angry with me?!?!?!?! Friggin' makes no bloddy sense ok?!