I am on the edge of giving up.

Today,I was so damn excited.Because so many people said Justin Bieber is coming to Singapore.So after school,I was the first person out of class.I wanted to be there at the airport as early as possible.Which my dad was stuck in a jam,I had a massive panic attack,I didn't want to this chance.People call me stupid each time,I scream or cry or just by going crazy over Justin.You know how many times,I tried to ignore all of the hate I get for loving Justin?

Sometimes,I want his merch I try to save my own money to buy them.I don't want to like ask for money like I feel guilty doing that most of the time.I sometimes starve myself for days just to buy merch and suffer later on.People just seem to not understand my love for him.I DON'T GET IT AT ALL,I feel like I'm just one against one big world who mostly hates me,I just deserve to die don't I?My self-esteem just drops and drops even lower day after day.but guess what I act tough.I act gangster and more people hates me.I FUCKING HATE LIFE.Sometimes,I stare at my poster and say "I guess you are the last and only person who loves me.Keep being Justin,keep making music.I love you and I live for you,just you"

it started when I saw him on youtube as kidrauhl.I fell in love with him,for him being him.I go to school,I tell them about him and the respond I got? "You stupid?Why do you just fall in loce with a boy online?"Back then,maybe if you call me stupid,I am fine.I didn't care.As I get older,I was in P4.I regret what I did that year.I blame myself till today.I wanted to be popular so badly,I hide my feelings,I swallowed my pride.I pretend I never ever liked Justin.I HATED MYSELF SO MUCH!What made it worst was,because me and my "best friend"likes the same guy.My mom went to threaten her to never ever talk to me again.The next morning,I wanted to talk to someone but guess what??Everyone avoided me.

In P5,I told myself.So what if I get hated?!I don't care?!I love Justin,it's a fact!I'm not hiding.Since no one talks to me,why try so hard?I have one big problem.My parents....they are so fucking full of themselves.They always believed in "Love no one but yourself"Well,obviously I got bullied for loving Justin."People call me fat,ugly,useless,faggot,trash,gay lover"and anything mean.I also like a guy in my class(which to present I haven't gotten over).He avoided me.I hated myself so much,one day after tuition.I bought a penknife,went to McDonalds' toilet and cut the crap out of myself.I hide.As much as possible but now its just not anywhere near possible to hide,imagine my whole left arm,stomach and thighs are just full of long,deep scars across.I cut whenever I'm sad,deoressed,lonely,ignored,misunderstood,angry,disappointed or just hate myself so much.i cry to sleep,i purposely hurt myself just to feel the pain.i punch the walls and get bruises all over my knuckles which sometimes it hurts so bad i cant even use my hand to write or text.

Yesterday,someone said Fredo and Justin was at the airport.I wanted to go,but my mom chained up the doors.We got into a huge arguement.For the second time ever,she called Justin a b*****d.I hated her so fucking much,I trashed her work,refuse to talk to her and hours later I just took a few things and left home until my bro and grandma begged for me to go back.Justin is more than an idol to me.He is my lifesaver.More like my life support.She doesn't understand my love for him.

Now,I have problem with hell lot of people.But today was just terrible.After like what 6years,I thought I could finally see Justin like in person.I waited for hours,he never appeared.He told us to Never Say Never.He wanted us to Believe.I did,but I just get dosappointed each time.I want to give up,but I'm not willing to.I might not have a chance to see him this time and I just want to die right now.

2hours ago,I was just sitting in my room stoning with a penknife and a bottle of pills.I lifted the knife,I wanted to cut but I suddenly remember Emily.Emily hates it when I cut,she ever made me promise I won't cut for a week.I tried so hard and I succeeded.I put the knife down and picked up the bottle of pill but I stopped there.I was thinking if I end right here,right now.I have 100% of not being able to meet Justin ever again.

right now,I am just blogging hoping I will just not think of all the dying and cutting at least for a while.

Stop judging me

I hate how people look at me and say "You are stupid.Only stupid people cut."

Let me get this straight,you think I wanna have all those scars for you to despise?You think I wanna hear all those words from you?You have no idea how much that few words that fly out of you can cause.Because you haven't gone through what I have.Have your mom ever confront your best friend and tell them to never go near you ever again or else she will do something to them?Have you ever tried waking up in the morning,going to school having so much to tell your best friend and all they tell you is "Get lost.I don't wanna talk to you ever again." and the next thing you know is that the whole class doesn't talk to you.Have you ever tried having classmates calling you names,saying you are ugly,fat,useless,stupid,retarded,disfigured?You haven't tried all this torture....

You dont know me,so stop judging me ok?!You don't know the hate I have for myself,you don't know how it feels to have loved someone for 2 years and all you get was a relationship of 9days.You don't know how it feels when everyone have high expectations of you but you can't reach it.You don't how it feels when everyone wants you to go to all those "good" schools till you have no FLYING FUCK idea what you want.

Think before you judge us,we have our story,we have our pains.SHUT UP and back off.

WTF?!

Wtf ok wtf?!so i decided to join the Teenage contest and try my luck wheather i can win the tickets to F1.Cause im desperate for the tickets.yeah me belieber,missed 2 concerts already want to die,miss one more i can go bang wall liao.

So this like what happened.............
my friend(lets call her A)i asked her wheather she wants to go for the F1 like if i win the BIGBANG tickets and i give it to her,and she told me "go give ~~~~~(she would be B)i also dont like Bigbang"so im like ok.....then B heard what we said then she go tell me "u win BIGBANG u gimme,i win Justin Bieber i give u ok??" so i promised B i would give her.so once u promise something u cant like dont do right?then suddenly A go tell me she wants the F1 tickets if i win,so i was like dafuq?! A minute ago u said u dont want then now you want it?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! And when i told her i cant oz i promised B alr,then she angry with me and B!! So like WTFS?!and she was like "fuck you larh,go to fucking hell lah you give her?"

The worst thing was like she still go and say "you know what?! I hope u dont win the BIGBANG tickets.wait in fact i hope you dont win both ok?!"like WHUT?! First u angry with me for not giving you,i ask u first u dont want then i say i give other people lah.Second u want to curse me not to win it at all?!can be more reasonable anot?!i ask u first kay?!you reject den no chance already,sill angry with me?!?!?!?! Friggin' makes no bloddy sense ok?!

Life,tresure your present.

Everytime i stand in front of the mirror i see an imperfect person.i see a girl who is hurt too deeply,who looks tough on the outside,someone who tries too hard.im at the edge of giving up life,i harm myself really badly.no one can understand the hate i have for myself,i try to act like i dont in front of everyone.i camwhore and post it all over instagram,but deep down inside i hate every single photo i took,i hate the way i look.i wish i was perfect like those models on the cover of magazines or on tv.

If i were to even stand in front of someone in my swimsuit,you can see ever cut,every scar i have drawn on myself.they are gonna stay there forever,till the day i die.even when i am lying in my coffin,those scars will still be present.

Each time i look at the scar,i think to myself."when did i have that?why did i do that?who put me down that day?who makes me feel like dying?what else did i do?why didnt i die that day?!"then i realize to the extend i wanna die very badly,i wanna end this misery,my pain,my hate.i have many things i cant let go,yet.i remember how much my maternal grandparents love me,they fuss about every single little bit of me.they worry i get in trouble at school,they worry about me starving just to be skinny.i remember one day my grandpa told me "girl,why do you care what others have to say about you?so what if they call you fat?do you remember when you were younger?in kindergarden,someone ever called you stupid because they were jealous that you were good in math.you ignored them.so why cant you ignore them again?you are you,why be like those models?"he loves me alot,but i recently shut him out from my world.i feel terrible.i suddenly feel my hate for myself again.and my sister,she is barely 2years old,but i can tell that she loves me alot.she follows practically every single thing i do,she looks up to me.the only thing i hope now,is she wont get broken like me when she is older,she wont cut and be sucidal.i am the worst example to her,i am like a ticking bomb to her.but despite all of them,i still feel unloved.

Ever since my ex left me,i feel like my world turned dark,everyone is against me.the other day,i found a piece of paper in my room.when i opened it up i realized,it was a checklist of things we were gonna do.i started crying,i used to be so cheerful,i look forward to waking up every morning,i wake up with a smile and never stopped.when i was around him,im laughing every single minute,giggling or joking around.and now?i changed,my smiles arent real,my laughs are just consolation.i wait for every moment to get back inside my room,shut the door lock everyone out stay in there the whole day.skipping as many meals as i can,but deep down i feel sorry for my grandparents?they must be wrecking their brains trying to make me eat again,i want to stop.i want to be the normal girl i used to be.not some monster i am today,i want to treasure them but i feel unloved.it is stupid what i am feeling now.maybe nobody has gone through what i have,so they dont know,they dont understand.

I wanna live a normal life,the life i used to have.i wanna treasure what my grandpaeents have done for me,i want to treasure them before its too late.when i was younger,i used to think to myself"what will home become,what will happen to me when they are not around?yhey cannot leave me alone.i dont want them to leave ever!!"i used to say goodnight i love you to them every night.now i have moved out of my grandparents house,i dont tell them that any more,what is happening to me?!i need someone who will come to me,tell me "you are not ok.stop saying you are ok.stop harming youself,let me into your world,i will fix what is broken.forget your past.he is a jerk,you deserve better.i love you"but then again,im ugly,im shit i deserve nobody,i deserve nothing.i just dont wanna let the last few good things slip througn my fingers.

Living life this way is tiring,its painful.people stop judging,stop breaking hearts.every pair of eyes tells a story,every scar tells a hate,everyone has a past.be it we are able to let it go or not.we have gotta learn to treasure,before we regret

Party,fun....i try too hard..

Yesterday(16 August)was one of the BEST days of my life.It was my good friend's birthday,we went to the NSRCC chalet right after school.Well at first we were pretty pissed,as we met with some troubles while getting there but eventually we  got there.We went swimming well the party only starts at 4pm so all of us went for a swim,despite the fact that I cant swim i still went with them.we were all crazy and stuff,doing loads of crazy things by the pool side.

When we returned to the chalet,we did some challenges like make up challenge and chubby bunny.we even prank call each others guy friends or cousins with other people's phone and when they pick up we will shout into the phone "you heartless jerk!!you got me pregnant!the child is yours!what are you gonna do about it now?!i have no money you know?!?!" their reactions were PRICELESS!!

We took many pictures,some of them were like CRAZY!Imagine like more than 10 girls sitting at the top of the playground taking pictures.We had loads of fun,laughter and joyXD

Later on we cut the cake and had dinner,then 8 of us girls went bowling.We suck,ok maybe just me who suck.We took up 2 lanes to play,we like look at others on the other lanes.They were AWESOME!Their bowling balls are like rockets hitting down the pins getting strikes or spare.While our balls literally skit towards the glutter or knocking down a few pins.But who cares right?The point was for all of us to have fun and laugh at each other.

I stayed till 11+pm coz my dad said he would pick me up at the chalet after he finish showering,which he took FOREVER.i was unable to sleep over as i had cca the following morning :( but we girls sat on the bed taking polariod pictures,laughing going crazy and stuff.finally i had to leave but really i didnt want to leave i have had too much fun!

When i got home,i headed for the shower.before i knew it,i was throwing up every single thing i ate.because the past few days i havent been eating,well because i didnt feel like eating so i didnt.and when i ate,i felt like i was dying.i threw up every single little bit of food.it was an entire day of fun but it had to end with me facing the bowl puking out all the content in my stomach.maybe im trying too hard to be perfect........

Leave...

Can i just leave this place,this hell on Earth,without doing anything.is there a way to leave this world,without blood,without pills,without pain?just like every organ in the body starts malfunctioning,switiching off one by one.saying i would wait for you to come back,but my heart cant wait longer,i cant stay a second without thinking of you,cant live without you.people say just let it go,it aint as easy as you think.its always EASIER SAID THAN DONE.stop judging me for not letting go.why does it seems like my world comes crumblin' down immediately when you walked out on me.why does it seems like the world turned it back against me? Left in this empty pit.lonelier than lonely.unloved creep.nobody is gonna understand this feeling.so keep leaving.keep judging.keep hating.i hate me more than you hate me.both you and i know you want me dead,i want me dead.my inner demon is just killing me inside out,im just a living with a dead heart,aint gonna survive long with this hole striaght through my heart.
its like making a child let go of his balloon,they are obviously attached to it,they wont let go.even if they were to,they would cry non-stop.same thing,one moment without you is me trying to hold back those endless tears.leave me to die with my tear stained face,lying there on my bed with ever organ failing,till i die,till there's no pulse,no heartbeat.till then.
Maybe if i got discovered by cops,with the picture of my tear stained face,all lifeless,pale,weak and hopeless on the news.maybe you will see it.maybe you will go to my funeral,regret the day you dumped me.maybe ypu will secretly go to my grave everyday.bring yourself to the top of a building with legs dangling,hoping to join me.maybe with a knife against your wrist.maybe swallowing pills everyday,hoping to die.
or maybe you wont even remember me when you see my picture?how about that?maybe you are with that other girl,forgeting me,forgetting our memories,our days,our promises,our swears,our friendship.do you still care?or will you only care when i aint around any longer?