Everytime i stand in front of the mirror i see an imperfect person.i see a girl who is hurt too deeply,who looks tough on the outside,someone who tries too hard.im at the edge of giving up life,i harm myself really badly.no one can understand the hate i have for myself,i try to act like i dont in front of everyone.i camwhore and post it all over instagram,but deep down inside i hate every single photo i took,i hate the way i look.i wish i was perfect like those models on the cover of magazines or on tv.
If i were to even stand in front of someone in my swimsuit,you can see ever cut,every scar i have drawn on myself.they are gonna stay there forever,till the day i die.even when i am lying in my coffin,those scars will still be present.
Each time i look at the scar,i think to myself."when did i have that?why did i do that?who put me down that day?who makes me feel like dying?what else did i do?why didnt i die that day?!"then i realize to the extend i wanna die very badly,i wanna end this misery,my pain,my hate.i have many things i cant let go,yet.i remember how much my maternal grandparents love me,they fuss about every single little bit of me.they worry i get in trouble at school,they worry about me starving just to be skinny.i remember one day my grandpa told me "girl,why do you care what others have to say about you?so what if they call you fat?do you remember when you were younger?in kindergarden,someone ever called you stupid because they were jealous that you were good in math.you ignored them.so why cant you ignore them again?you are you,why be like those models?"he loves me alot,but i recently shut him out from my world.i feel terrible.i suddenly feel my hate for myself again.and my sister,she is barely 2years old,but i can tell that she loves me alot.she follows practically every single thing i do,she looks up to me.the only thing i hope now,is she wont get broken like me when she is older,she wont cut and be sucidal.i am the worst example to her,i am like a ticking bomb to her.but despite all of them,i still feel unloved.
Ever since my ex left me,i feel like my world turned dark,everyone is against me.the other day,i found a piece of paper in my room.when i opened it up i realized,it was a checklist of things we were gonna do.i started crying,i used to be so cheerful,i look forward to waking up every morning,i wake up with a smile and never stopped.when i was around him,im laughing every single minute,giggling or joking around.and now?i changed,my smiles arent real,my laughs are just consolation.i wait for every moment to get back inside my room,shut the door lock everyone out stay in there the whole day.skipping as many meals as i can,but deep down i feel sorry for my grandparents?they must be wrecking their brains trying to make me eat again,i want to stop.i want to be the normal girl i used to be.not some monster i am today,i want to treasure them but i feel unloved.it is stupid what i am feeling now.maybe nobody has gone through what i have,so they dont know,they dont understand.
I wanna live a normal life,the life i used to have.i wanna treasure what my grandpaeents have done for me,i want to treasure them before its too late.when i was younger,i used to think to myself"what will home become,what will happen to me when they are not around?yhey cannot leave me alone.i dont want them to leave ever!!"i used to say goodnight i love you to them every night.now i have moved out of my grandparents house,i dont tell them that any more,what is happening to me?!i need someone who will come to me,tell me "you are not ok.stop saying you are ok.stop harming youself,let me into your world,i will fix what is broken.forget your past.he is a jerk,you deserve better.i love you"but then again,im ugly,im shit i deserve nobody,i deserve nothing.i just dont wanna let the last few good things slip througn my fingers.
Living life this way is tiring,its painful.people stop judging,stop breaking hearts.every pair of eyes tells a story,every scar tells a hate,everyone has a past.be it we are able to let it go or not.we have gotta learn to treasure,before we regret
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