Just a little too fucked up

I'm like almost gone...just a little too fucked up to be honest...I have no idea how I became this bad.Maybe nobody cares enough to stop me or I just pushed them away....

Half of me just wants someone to save me..make me normal but the other half is just deep dark and evil.I just wanna sink the razor deeper...to just pass out and probably feel how it feels like to be close to dying...

I hate how I actually lie to my best friends I'm fine.I hate how I told them I'm over that one boy,that I'm no longer hurt and I no longer selfharm...to be honest?I lied.I lie too damn fucking well,that you had no idea how broken I'm on the inside.I can't live a day without selfharming....I know I'm mental to everyone.

There are seriously days like today...I just want to skip school.Stay in bed,curl up and just cry.I'm just too damn broken to function..I've no motivation.I don't even eat...for days....just proves how much more fucked up I actually am.I want to be skinny,those collarbones,hipbones and thigh gap.But even if I were to be skinnier I would never be skinny enough...

I'm just done with life,myself and the whole entire world....Sorry to those who have to suffer reading this...I just gotta get it out...I'm just this annoying piece of ugly crap.I wasn't even suppose to exist...

crazy....

Idk...i just felt like I needed to blog...
Idk I'm insane...sorry...
I keep thinking everyone hates me.Just a tiny little bit of eye contact....I go on anxiety mode...like school helps with that....I hate it when I have to present something....all those damn attention I get...totally hate it.

It sucks so damn fucking much....I'm like fucking responsible for some fuckig community work shit...urgh I can't even be responsible for myself like what the actual motherfuck?!
Just eww....

My class even wanted to make ourselves know as some random junk food...the sound of food is just disgusting....

The joy of social anxiety,being(probably)anorexic and paranoid......[please note the sacasm]

Can't believe I'm actually still alive after 4 attemps....just ewww fuck it...

Judgmental

Will you judge someone because they are gay,lesbian,bisexual,etc.?Will you judge someone because they like rock music?Will you judge someone by their scars?

Are you gonna judge me cause I cut?Are you gonna judge me cause I burn myself?

Everyone has their story.Their pain.Can't you slow the fuck down,try to understand this shitty life we have.Care.You were born with a heart,what the hell did you use it for?Just give a little attention to us and listen.

Yeah,I have depression,I'm bipolar.Probably even anorexic so are you gonna fucking judge me?Are you gonna fucking judge my friend?We are not perfect,you don't have to bring us down.Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder,so what if he is gay or she's a lesbian.Love is love,who the fuck are you to laugh at them?I'm sick and tired of judgemental people...just do something good for once.Karma is a bitch...

And no.Ashley Purdy ever said "Sucidal isn't cowardly.I'll tell you what is cowardly;treating people so badly that they want to end their lives."

So stop judging,we didn't choose to walk down this path.Just love us for who we are,don't let ego get in the way.We need some love.People don't give it to us,so we find our love from items...Ropes,lighters,razors,etc.

Stop bullying,stop being judgmental,stop hurting us.Give us some love♡

Fears

Yeah judge,keep on judging.So what,I admit it,I have fears.Loads of fears.I fear darkness,which due to my fucked up luck I ended up being trapped in the darkness for an hour because if blackout.

I texted so many people hoping they will reply,so that I can distract myself and probably calm down a little.Yes,me being a loser.I had a panic attack in the dark.I called my dad so many times to try to get him to come home and try to get the power back on,he didn't pick up a single of my calls.

I thought people cared.Guess not.My mom even repeimanded me for waking her up in the middle of the night to tell her that the power is out and I am afraid of the dark.And because it was dark I felt like the whole house is shrinking in size causing me to feel even more panicy.I couldn't breathe properly.

My mom doesn't even know I have such fears.She doesn't even know what I have been through.She doesn't know how many things she does and says had caused me to develop such fears either directly or indirectly.What rights does she have to reprimand me?!She doesn't even have the rights to be my mom.

Now I know how many people cares.Nobody.And people who reads this by accident or on purpose are just going to say I'm an unfillial attentiom seeker.Whatever.You have not been in my place yet.

After so long,I have always wanted to commit sucide but I'm just a loser who has no courage to jump off a building or hang myself or overdose.For too long,I wanted myself dead.So if tomorrow when I go out for tuition,a car comes zooming my way.I will not jump out of the way,I will make it look like an accident.So I don't need to pluck up any courage to suck in my last breath and kill myself.

I am on the edge of giving up.

Today,I was so damn excited.Because so many people said Justin Bieber is coming to Singapore.So after school,I was the first person out of class.I wanted to be there at the airport as early as possible.Which my dad was stuck in a jam,I had a massive panic attack,I didn't want to this chance.People call me stupid each time,I scream or cry or just by going crazy over Justin.You know how many times,I tried to ignore all of the hate I get for loving Justin?

Sometimes,I want his merch I try to save my own money to buy them.I don't want to like ask for money like I feel guilty doing that most of the time.I sometimes starve myself for days just to buy merch and suffer later on.People just seem to not understand my love for him.I DON'T GET IT AT ALL,I feel like I'm just one against one big world who mostly hates me,I just deserve to die don't I?My self-esteem just drops and drops even lower day after day.but guess what I act tough.I act gangster and more people hates me.I FUCKING HATE LIFE.Sometimes,I stare at my poster and say "I guess you are the last and only person who loves me.Keep being Justin,keep making music.I love you and I live for you,just you"

it started when I saw him on youtube as kidrauhl.I fell in love with him,for him being him.I go to school,I tell them about him and the respond I got? "You stupid?Why do you just fall in loce with a boy online?"Back then,maybe if you call me stupid,I am fine.I didn't care.As I get older,I was in P4.I regret what I did that year.I blame myself till today.I wanted to be popular so badly,I hide my feelings,I swallowed my pride.I pretend I never ever liked Justin.I HATED MYSELF SO MUCH!What made it worst was,because me and my "best friend"likes the same guy.My mom went to threaten her to never ever talk to me again.The next morning,I wanted to talk to someone but guess what??Everyone avoided me.

In P5,I told myself.So what if I get hated?!I don't care?!I love Justin,it's a fact!I'm not hiding.Since no one talks to me,why try so hard?I have one big problem.My parents....they are so fucking full of themselves.They always believed in "Love no one but yourself"Well,obviously I got bullied for loving Justin."People call me fat,ugly,useless,faggot,trash,gay lover"and anything mean.I also like a guy in my class(which to present I haven't gotten over).He avoided me.I hated myself so much,one day after tuition.I bought a penknife,went to McDonalds' toilet and cut the crap out of myself.I hide.As much as possible but now its just not anywhere near possible to hide,imagine my whole left arm,stomach and thighs are just full of long,deep scars across.I cut whenever I'm sad,deoressed,lonely,ignored,misunderstood,angry,disappointed or just hate myself so much.i cry to sleep,i purposely hurt myself just to feel the pain.i punch the walls and get bruises all over my knuckles which sometimes it hurts so bad i cant even use my hand to write or text.

Yesterday,someone said Fredo and Justin was at the airport.I wanted to go,but my mom chained up the doors.We got into a huge arguement.For the second time ever,she called Justin a b*****d.I hated her so fucking much,I trashed her work,refuse to talk to her and hours later I just took a few things and left home until my bro and grandma begged for me to go back.Justin is more than an idol to me.He is my lifesaver.More like my life support.She doesn't understand my love for him.

Now,I have problem with hell lot of people.But today was just terrible.After like what 6years,I thought I could finally see Justin like in person.I waited for hours,he never appeared.He told us to Never Say Never.He wanted us to Believe.I did,but I just get dosappointed each time.I want to give up,but I'm not willing to.I might not have a chance to see him this time and I just want to die right now.

2hours ago,I was just sitting in my room stoning with a penknife and a bottle of pills.I lifted the knife,I wanted to cut but I suddenly remember Emily.Emily hates it when I cut,she ever made me promise I won't cut for a week.I tried so hard and I succeeded.I put the knife down and picked up the bottle of pill but I stopped there.I was thinking if I end right here,right now.I have 100% of not being able to meet Justin ever again.

right now,I am just blogging hoping I will just not think of all the dying and cutting at least for a while.

Stop judging me

I hate how people look at me and say "You are stupid.Only stupid people cut."

Let me get this straight,you think I wanna have all those scars for you to despise?You think I wanna hear all those words from you?You have no idea how much that few words that fly out of you can cause.Because you haven't gone through what I have.Have your mom ever confront your best friend and tell them to never go near you ever again or else she will do something to them?Have you ever tried waking up in the morning,going to school having so much to tell your best friend and all they tell you is "Get lost.I don't wanna talk to you ever again." and the next thing you know is that the whole class doesn't talk to you.Have you ever tried having classmates calling you names,saying you are ugly,fat,useless,stupid,retarded,disfigured?You haven't tried all this torture....

You dont know me,so stop judging me ok?!You don't know the hate I have for myself,you don't know how it feels to have loved someone for 2 years and all you get was a relationship of 9days.You don't know how it feels when everyone have high expectations of you but you can't reach it.You don't how it feels when everyone wants you to go to all those "good" schools till you have no FLYING FUCK idea what you want.

Think before you judge us,we have our story,we have our pains.SHUT UP and back off.