Rant....

It's Friday again...I'm sitting in my room crying my eyes out while blogging...what the hell have I become...

I hate school so fucking much...I feel like I'm annoying all my friends....I know all my classmates are just tolerating me....I just can't take all this shit...

My dad saw my scars....he assumes he knows everything bc he believed the lie I told my school teachers....he doesn't know shit...he thinks bring me to a BVB concert will just make everything all right.....

I have so much self hate bottled up..I can't believe I managed not to kill myself from cutting so deep...then again I promised my friend I won't attempt again....yet it's so tempting.

I don't even know what the hell I'm doing my life....blogging about how shitty I feel?That's so fucking low of me.....Urgh....I'm retarded and insane...

Sorry

I'm sorry for being a fucked up.I'm sorry I'm annoying as crap.Maybe because I wasn't even suppose to exist in the first place.Maybe because I don't have someone to guide me on how to act 'normal'.I'm fucking sorry I can't be in a crowd without panicing.I'm utterly sorry that I can't tell funny jokes or interesting things.And I'm so damn sorry that I like staying in bed and cry my eyes out for days.I'm just fucked up.

Even my own mom says I'm bipolar.Thanks Mom,I know how much you 'love' me.

I'm sorry for all those people who actually has to put up with my shit,read all this rubbish I post.I just can't think straight,someone made me promise to stay clean for a month....guess what and one month actually means I won't even be able to cut on my birthday!I'm not able to function,study,complete my homework or even think properly now.I need the blade across my skin so damn badly,I need to relieve that fucking pain.Maybe I'm just insane....but being suicidal ain't even close to sane.I'm just so done with people,or just myself....I want to end it all...yet a too big a coward to end this all.If only I would get hit by a truck,get thrown across the road and just die..

(And I'm sorry for all this triggering and graphic content...I'm insane...remember?)

Just a little too fucked up

I'm like almost gone...just a little too fucked up to be honest...I have no idea how I became this bad.Maybe nobody cares enough to stop me or I just pushed them away....

Half of me just wants someone to save me..make me normal but the other half is just deep dark and evil.I just wanna sink the razor deeper...to just pass out and probably feel how it feels like to be close to dying...

I hate how I actually lie to my best friends I'm fine.I hate how I told them I'm over that one boy,that I'm no longer hurt and I no longer selfharm...to be honest?I lied.I lie too damn fucking well,that you had no idea how broken I'm on the inside.I can't live a day without selfharming....I know I'm mental to everyone.

There are seriously days like today...I just want to skip school.Stay in bed,curl up and just cry.I'm just too damn broken to function..I've no motivation.I don't even eat...for days....just proves how much more fucked up I actually am.I want to be skinny,those collarbones,hipbones and thigh gap.But even if I were to be skinnier I would never be skinny enough...

I'm just done with life,myself and the whole entire world....Sorry to those who have to suffer reading this...I just gotta get it out...I'm just this annoying piece of ugly crap.I wasn't even suppose to exist...

crazy....

Idk...i just felt like I needed to blog...
Idk I'm insane...sorry...
I keep thinking everyone hates me.Just a tiny little bit of eye contact....I go on anxiety mode...like school helps with that....I hate it when I have to present something....all those damn attention I get...totally hate it.

It sucks so damn fucking much....I'm like fucking responsible for some fuckig community work shit...urgh I can't even be responsible for myself like what the actual motherfuck?!
Just eww....

My class even wanted to make ourselves know as some random junk food...the sound of food is just disgusting....

The joy of social anxiety,being(probably)anorexic and paranoid......[please note the sacasm]

Can't believe I'm actually still alive after 4 attemps....just ewww fuck it...

Judgmental

Will you judge someone because they are gay,lesbian,bisexual,etc.?Will you judge someone because they like rock music?Will you judge someone by their scars?

Are you gonna judge me cause I cut?Are you gonna judge me cause I burn myself?

Everyone has their story.Their pain.Can't you slow the fuck down,try to understand this shitty life we have.Care.You were born with a heart,what the hell did you use it for?Just give a little attention to us and listen.

Yeah,I have depression,I'm bipolar.Probably even anorexic so are you gonna fucking judge me?Are you gonna fucking judge my friend?We are not perfect,you don't have to bring us down.Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder,so what if he is gay or she's a lesbian.Love is love,who the fuck are you to laugh at them?I'm sick and tired of judgemental people...just do something good for once.Karma is a bitch...

And no.Ashley Purdy ever said "Sucidal isn't cowardly.I'll tell you what is cowardly;treating people so badly that they want to end their lives."

So stop judging,we didn't choose to walk down this path.Just love us for who we are,don't let ego get in the way.We need some love.People don't give it to us,so we find our love from items...Ropes,lighters,razors,etc.

Stop bullying,stop being judgmental,stop hurting us.Give us some love♡

Fears

Yeah judge,keep on judging.So what,I admit it,I have fears.Loads of fears.I fear darkness,which due to my fucked up luck I ended up being trapped in the darkness for an hour because if blackout.

I texted so many people hoping they will reply,so that I can distract myself and probably calm down a little.Yes,me being a loser.I had a panic attack in the dark.I called my dad so many times to try to get him to come home and try to get the power back on,he didn't pick up a single of my calls.

I thought people cared.Guess not.My mom even repeimanded me for waking her up in the middle of the night to tell her that the power is out and I am afraid of the dark.And because it was dark I felt like the whole house is shrinking in size causing me to feel even more panicy.I couldn't breathe properly.

My mom doesn't even know I have such fears.She doesn't even know what I have been through.She doesn't know how many things she does and says had caused me to develop such fears either directly or indirectly.What rights does she have to reprimand me?!She doesn't even have the rights to be my mom.

Now I know how many people cares.Nobody.And people who reads this by accident or on purpose are just going to say I'm an unfillial attentiom seeker.Whatever.You have not been in my place yet.

After so long,I have always wanted to commit sucide but I'm just a loser who has no courage to jump off a building or hang myself or overdose.For too long,I wanted myself dead.So if tomorrow when I go out for tuition,a car comes zooming my way.I will not jump out of the way,I will make it look like an accident.So I don't need to pluck up any courage to suck in my last breath and kill myself.